I wasn’t really a ‘planner’ when it came to my birth. I told my Obstetrician (OB) I trusted her, she knew what she was doing and I had no clue so I’d follow her lead. I felt that was best for me, giving up control would make me less anxious, stressed and take the pressure off. It also helped knowing that I had an amazing team and husband that would guide me through it.
I had a great birth. Our bub was posterior and I spent the two weeks before bending forward trying to move him around. He wasn’t having a bar of it and had to be rotated during birth. I was in labour for 2 days, it was on and off but it all happened quite quickly in the end, with no major complications. We went to hospital at midnight and he was born at 7:55am. Our midwives were great, my husband was amazing and my OB, who came in early on her shift for our birth, was my guardian angel. I told the midwives I would hold on until she got in, I’m so glad I didn’t have to.
With one last push, our little bub was born, he was put on my stomach but no cry or movement, he had had his cord wrapped around his neck 3 times on delivery and got taken off just as quickly for some CPR. A minute or so later, he screamed, my husband cried and he was back with me. I could see the instant love in my husband’s eyes. I have never seen him look like that. He was beaming, crying and just staring at our newborn. I felt nothing. Something in the back of my head was asking what was wrong, why did I not feel anything. Here is my baby and I’m not sobbing with joy, I’m not feeling that instant overwhelming urge to love and protect but I could see my husband was and I just ignored it, put on a happy face and trusted it would come. It was a lonely feeling.
We spent about an hour in the delivery room. It seemed like a lifetime to me. I just wanted to get out, get clean and get control. My husband was in a dream, clutching our little boy and I was lying there wanting to leave.
In those first few days, I felt like a fraud, ungrateful and fake. Most of all I didn’t feel anything toward our son. It made the difficulty of breastfeeding harder, I resented him and me, I was angry it wasn’t working, it didn’t just ‘happen’ and this little baby was not doing what he was supposed to. I was watching family walk in and out and gushing over our man, and I was just annoyed, I felt everyone was feeling the joy I should be.
I finally got the courage one night, while still in hospital to tell my husband. I was scared of what he would think of me and I was scared he wouldn’t understand and would judge me. So, I lay in the dark and just blurted it out, and cried. He hugged me, told me it was ok and had the most perfect response for me. He told me that I had been through such a hugely physical and emotional experience, one of the biggest. And my body and mind probably needed to come to terms with that and recover and heal. He assured me the love would come, he made it ok and made me feel relieved and loved.
The huge amount of love for my son didn’t come straight away, it was a love that built, a bond we created. Flynn and I learnt to live together, to communicate in our own way and be happy together. We went through some tough times, learning to breastfeed together, failing, late nights, early mornings, some lonely times but amazing times too. He made me laugh and I made him laugh. We found our way. Together.
Now he also makes me cry with love and it’s the best kind - indescribable and magical. It wasn’t instant but it is amazing and it is forever. Me and my little man, Flynn.
My hobby was shopping when I was working, but now that I’m on mat leave, I love filling and deleting online shopping baskets. I work in radio, love home renos and interior design. My dream is to renovate my own family home. I love coffee and wine but can’t live without cheese. I could live off cheese only… with wine.
Children: One son
Motherhood in 5 words: A big rollercoaster of emotions.
Fav family-friendly place: Barkly Gardens
Coffee order: Skinny Flat White
Biz: Little Flynn
Little Flynn long sleeve bibs are handmade, soft 100% cotton. Perfect for covering up your little one while feeding, so you don't have to wash their clothes after every meal.
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