December 22nd 2015 at 1700hrs, it was confirmed that I had miscarried our baby. Our baby that was most likely going to share his/her birthday month with older sister Heidi. It was our baby that we made with love. It was our baby that we wanted so badly to join our family of four. It was our baby that we loved. Loved for every 9 weeks, 4 days, 17 hours and 35 minutes of his/her life; and we'll continue to love for every second of our lives.
You see, to us, this baby was exactly that - a baby. It doesn't matter the gestation, the fact that we had 2 beautiful healthy little girls, that we know we can get pregnant and that we can always try again. We didn't want to try again! We wanted our baby! Our baby that we loved the moment we knew he/she was going to be a part of our lives. We wanted this baby, our baby!
Dave and I had to grieve the loss of our baby apart from one another. Dave was working in Papua New Guinea at the time and wasn't due home until the end of December. It meant that not only was he missing out on Christmas with his little girls, he was not here with me through one of the hardest things we've had to face as parents. Not only did we have to deal with the loss of our baby, I also had to have a Dilation and curettage (D&C) to make sure everything had come away properly. This meant I was not going to be able to attend to Penelope and Heidi for a day. Heidi was still breastfed at this stage, so I was worried how she was going to cope being apart from me for so long.
The night I found out I had miscarried I didn't know what to do. I had to go home and do the dinner, bath, book and bed and routine with the girls. How was I going to do this and stay strong in front of my little girls? (Penelope was nearly 3 and Heidi was 18 months old). They didn't know what happened and I wasn't going to try to explain to them as it would only confuse them. I sat on the stool near the bath and watched my beautiful little girls play and giggle during their bath time. They were completely innocent and blissfully unaware of what was happening inside of their Mama's womb. A place that once housed them, nourished them, grew them and kept them safe until it was time for them to be born Earth side. How did I manage to fail this little one? Why did my body (the one that nourished the girls), fail this baby? Why?
During this time one of my beautiful Aunties called me.
I remember her telling me that she would look after the girls and that they will be ok. My Aunty then asked me if I was ok? Now, I know she knew all too well that I was not ok, but at least she asked. I said through tears (You know the tears that hurt so much that you feel like you're being crushed and cannot breathe properly) "no". I couldn't manage anything else. We didn't talk any further, we didn't need to. She just stayed on the phone and cried with me until I was ready to hang up.
As I sat on the stool watching my carefree happy girls, my sweet little Penny looked up from playing and said "it's ok Mama, I wipe your tears" and she proceeded to wipe my eyes with her bubble covered little hands and smiled her beautiful gap tooth cheeky smile and I knew I could do to it. I could get through this F#cked up situation!
The next day was crap! There are no other words to describe it to be honest. I'm not going to go into all the nitty-gritty bits. I spent the day in hospital and then returned to my Mum's with my girls for a sleepover. We ended up staying there until Christmas day because I just wanted the company and also the help with the girls while I was recovering. Dave came home early on Christmas morning. Words cannot truly describe how I felt when I saw him that morning. I was so happy that he and the girls got to be together on Christmas, yet I was completely and utterly heartbroken and so sorry that I had failed our own child. I think that's been the hardest part to cope with.
My Aunty (I have 5) rang me after my procedure and spoke beautiful loving words to me. She suggested that we buy a special tree in memory of our little babe. She said "pick a tree, plant it, nourish it and watch it grow and change with each year". We decided to buy a 'Little Gem Magnolia', my awesome sister bet us to it. She gave it to us along with a beautiful saying, 'I carried you for every second of your life, and I will love you for every second of mine'. This tree actually helped me to heal a little bit more, it sounds silly but I'm so thankful that my Aunty suggested it to me.
I also decided that I wanted something to wear everyday in memory of our baby. My thoughts were that if we move (which we have...3 times), what would I have to cherish? So I bought an ID necklace and engraved "I'll love you forever" on it. This saying is from one of my favourite childhood books called 'Love you Forever'. I wear this necklace everyday and I will do so until I can manage without it.....
I know scientifically and physically that it's not my fault I had a miscarriage and that it happens to 1 in 4 women. But emotionally it’s really hard to cope with the fact that my own body failed my baby. And that for me, even now as I sit here breastfeeding my beautiful rainbow baby Emerson (whom I am eternally grateful for), feels like the worst thing in the world.
We have recently moved to Melbourne from Brisbane. I am 26, married to Dave and we have 3 children- Penelope 4 years old, Heidi 2.5 years old & Emerson 4 months. I have a nursing background and recently decided to start my own blog and Facebook page- Mama to Three.
Hood: South Morang
Motherhood in 5 words: Crazy, loud, loving, busy and beautiful.
Fav family-friendly place: The Melbourne Zoo, shopping centres with playgrounds (for the rainy days) and any café that is child friendly (my girls are LOUD).
Coffee order: I do not like coffee or tea (weird I know), I like the occasional hot or iced chocolate.
Blog: Mama to Three
A blog about my life as a stay at home Mama and the antics my children get up to.
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