While I’m doing the dishes I hear my eldest playing loudly in the other room. He seems happy and content and I smile as I listen to him play. Truthfully I’m also relieved that he is occupied allowing me time to prepare dinner and ready my youngest for a bath. I want him to know I’m listening and my heart is revelling in the joy he is creating through play so I send some words of encouragement his way. “I love the way you are playing with those trucks, you’re so creative thinking of that game to play”. My words of encouragement burst the bubble and my input has been interpreted as a queue for me to join him. My heart sinks. I don’t feel like playing. To be honest I rarely do. The immensity of caring for two wee ones on my own has my lid so far flipped that I barely remember the fun mum let alone being able to tap into that carefree childlike mindset and join in on his game.
I am often so robotic that I find calm and quiet enjoyment in cleaning and cooking. For real, this is what it has come to! My days are crammed with high intensity thoughts about how to respond to my troubles with my ex or regretting the earlier altercation where I yelled for having to repeat myself for the 15th time in a space of a minute and turning down the chatter in my mind about all the mum guilt. All whilst trying to hold a conversation with Mr Curiosity in the midst of changing an explosive nappy from my toddler, kicking aside toys that I am likely to break my face on later in the day and remembering to ahhh raise emotionally intelligent children who are attuned with their emotions and of those around them…..Sigh (read: hits head on keyboard).
“Yes son you can turn the T.V on...no wait come back here and clean your ….Please go to the toilet if you need to, oh, wait, what you want to play Lego? Ok yes I’ll be right..jesus for the love of god what was I just thinking about?" It’s in these moments I wish I had someone to tap in. Someone to take on the moments my kids just want to be kids and play and be silly, someone that can be fun when I can’t quieten the chatter long enough to turn on captain fun mum.
The gravity of not just caring for but loving my children on my own takes a mammoth toll emotionally and at times can be crippling. It’s overwhelming to be all they need and more. I have to extend to be they person my children need, the person I need and the person my friends and family need. I am one person doing the job of many but what I have learned is on those times I choose to get involved, get down to my children's level and join in on their fun I am happier and more relaxed for it. It enhances our connection and we are all happier and more attuned to each other. Nights sometimes go smoother but dang it’s a real struggle to wear all the hats in the house and to remember most times the only person I have to tap in, is me.
Single SAHM - became single while pregnant with my youngest. Strong, self sufficient, active (exercise is my therapy) Glass half full kinda girl. Trying to grow my pups full of kindness and emotional intelligence.
Children: Two sons
Motherhood in 5 words: Fake it till you make it
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Coffee order: 2 x XL Soy latte, no sugar
Biz: Sunday Tribe Co.
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