It’s pretty simple really, I will forever be just that little bit broken and that’s now what makes me, ME.
Two years ago, as I write this I can’t actually believe that amount of time has past because there are still many days where life smacks me in the face and makes me think it was only yesterday. But two years ago I lost my child, my daughter Laylah was stillborn at 37 weeks. I know for many people they don’t quite understand, although they sympathise with what’s happened I think a lack of understanding of what stillbirth means makes it hard for them to truly grasp my grief.
To give you an idea, I had a healthy pregnancy where everything was going as normal. I was 37 weeks so this means I had bought all the cute baby clothes and even washed them multiple times, set up the nursery, had my hospital bags packed and sitting at the front door. I was on maternity leave and filling my days with last minute catch ups and movie dates. I was done! I was down to my last couple of doctors appointments and I was ready to meet my first born.
Then life changed for me. I had spent the day out and about and had thought bubs had been a little quiet but didn’t think to much of it. I just put it down to bubs being sleepy or maybe she didn’t have as much room to move now we were so far along. That night I told hubby that I wasn’t feeling much movement and after a while we were just getting worried and couldn't stop thinking about it so we went to the hospital. From there all I can say is that life from that moment has never and will never be the same. We were no longer the same people, we were no longer the same couple and we were no longer the same family we thought we would be.
Laylah Grace Samuels was born on 21st Jan 2015 and was perfect. I think it's her nose I remember most. It’s hard to remember sometimes, I wish that in my moments of utter devastation and grief I had studied her every curve and line just that little bit more. I held her, I sang to her I told her how Mummy and Daddy loved her more than the world but now in my moments of missing her I wish I could hold her again.
Two years on and I write to Laylah everyday, in the shower on the steamy shower screen I write her notes, I tell her I miss her, I love her and that’s my way of connecting with her each day. It still baffles me that 6 babies a day are stillborn in Australia and yet it’s never spoken about. Before losing Laylah I didn’t know anything about stillbirth and now I’m open about my story because it needs to be spoken about, families need to be supported and there needs to be education and funding for this to not happen to more families.
Life now looks different since Laylah, my hubby and I have are incredibly close and we look at life with a different perspective, we have our second daughter Isabella about to turn 1 and she is divine. She is so loving and I know that so much of her big sister is in her and moulds the parents we are because we really try to enjoy all the small things that we longed for with Laylah and try not get caught up in the insignificant stuff. For me it’s only now that I feel like I’m starting to heal, I’m starting to get to a point where I can see that our experience and story is now part of what makes me, me and that although I would give the world to have her back in my arms where she belongs, she now shapes the person I am in this world. Although I will forever long for her and have a piece of me missing she has also made me a slightly more passionate, caring and stronger person so for that I’m grateful and I know what I want now and I know that every moment is worth cherishing.
If you saw me on the street you would probably only see a cute little family of 3 who look like they don't have a care in the world. Be kind, be mindful and share some love, we all have a story.
Lauren says: I'm the owner of The Vibe Tribe. I love dancing (jazz, hip hop, latin). I have a bubbly personality and am very social. Can't beat a movie date night with my hubby and I love trashy TV (real housewives of NY, Kardashians).
Motherhood in 5 words: Heartbreaking, life-changing, stonger, more appricative and aware.
Fav family friendly place: I love heading to the beach for a day out with the family, we have our Laylah beach which is Gunnamatta Beach so we spend a lot of time there.
Coffee order: Hot chocolate (who am I kidding any form of chocolate).
Business: The Vibe Tribe
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