Recently at a work dinner I was asked the awkward and confronting question, “What does your husband do for work?” The colleague that asked me this question is a person that I speak to on a daily basis, yet I’d never told him that I was a single mum, despite having been single for over 18 months. When I explained that I didn’t have a husband, nor did I have a boyfriend or a partner of any description, he said “Oh, so it’s just you and Mia, that’s sweet”. He processed this new information for a few minutes before suddenly saying “My respect and admiration for you grows by the minute”. This was a huge turning point for me and I no longer felt ashamed or scared to tell people, particularly work colleagues that I am in fact a single mum.
Never in my life did I wish to be a single mum, yet I did make the choice to become one. It was my decision to end my relationship. I wasn’t cheated on or abused and no-one walked out on me. Was I selfish in making this decision? Perhaps. Did I make the right decision? Absolutely. At times I look back and think, maybe I should have tried harder to make things work, but trust had been completely destroyed in our relationship. For me trust is huge, it's the foundation of any strong relationship and once it's broken it's extremely hard, if not impossible to earn back. Not only had trust been broken, my partner also had a severe gambling addiction and wasn’t willing to get help. I couldn’t face the thought of a lifetime of debt and potentially losing all that we had, so I made the very tough decision to walk away.
Most of my friends and colleagues see me as some kind of super woman that always appears to be juggling things so well, but there are some days those balls are not in the air. I try to always remain positive and win at this game of life, but there are days when it’s hard to be positive and I certainly don’t feel that I’m winning. It was only a few weeks ago that a mate actually said to me “So how are you really?” He made me cry as he continued to go on and tell me that he thought I did an amazing job at this solo parenting gig, but he was right, I choose to only let people see the good. Only my closest friends know that there are plenty of times that my day ends in tears, for these are the same friends that wipe those tears away for me.
I let myself get anxious and worked up every time I have to see my ex, for I'm constantly being blamed for the demise of our relationship. At every opportunity I am told that I ruined his life and of how much he hates me, that I am selfish and I only do what is best for myself. But that’s wrong, everything I do now is with the best interests of my mini me, every decision I make is for her, for she is my world. It hurts to hear these words, and perhaps I am selfish for choosing to put my own happiness first, which in turn means happiness for my daughter.
I hoped that we would get to a point where we could be amicable and maintain a good relationship for our little girl. I was naive to ever think that, I believe that only happens in the movies. I hate that co-parenting can be so one sided, where one takes on all of the care and responsibility and the other only the fun. I fear that she will grow up resenting me as every night I'm the one that does the bed time battle, says no to watching TV and makes her brush her teeth. I’m the one that takes her to day care each day and it breaks my heart when she says “no, we stay home mummy, we make gingerbread men.” Maybe one day she’ll realise that I’m going to work to ensure that she has the best possible future in life. Hopefully one day she sees me as a positive female role model and not just that mean mum that dragged her out of bed in the morning.
Every day all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, try to remain positive and be the best possible version of myself that I can be, because I have one beautiful little girl that looks up to me and relies on me. I can’t let her see my weaknesses or my struggles, but I have started to let others in and help me. I’m not ashamed to be a single mum, instead I’m proud to be an awesome mum (most of the time)!
Sarah says: I'm a boring Accountant, former triathlete before becoming a mumma. I love leading a fit and healthy lifestyle though do have a weakness for ice-cream and now doing something completely crazy and training for a body sculpting comp.
Hood: Bentleigh East
Motherhood in 5 words: Rewarding - Exhausting - Fun - Messy - Fulfilling.
Fav family friendly place: GESAC swimming pool
Coffee order: Almond milk latte
Blog: Bikes, Baking and Baby
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